The Art of Co-Parenting Peacefully

Photo: Unsplash Les Anderson

One of the most important pieces of advice

that I received from a good friend when I divorced

was that “it is all about the children now.”

By Sue DeCaro

I will never forget hearing those words. To be able to co-parent with peace and harmony at the forefront is an enormous gift for our children.

After announcing the divorce and being separated for 2 months, the holiday’s arrived. Much to my discomfort, my children wanted their dad to come join us on Christmas morning. How could I deny my children an opportunity to be with both of their parents when they opened their gifts in the morning and celebrated the magic that the holiday brings? I could not. It was a beautiful opportunity for me as a parent to embrace what was truly important, the children. I was hearing the words again that my dear friend shared, “it is all about the children now.” We have co-parented ever since.

Decisions that are made, in the best interest of the children, are made with love by both parents.

We have a supportive relationship that continues to help our children grow and thrive. The first Christmas was the start of setting a new tone, one of working together while living in separate spaces. In looking at creating harmony, my question to myself was always, how can I put my own feelings aside and do what feels most appropriate for my children. Their father and I have both remarried and are living fulfilled lives. When high school graduation came for both my kids, I invited their father and his wife to join us for a celebration. Meals spent together showed my children a sense of unity in our family, whether we lived under the same roof or not. It created comfort for each of them. During these times, we actually laughed and shared stories about the past, remember when…

Don’t get me wrong in thinking that my emotions never played a role in this story. They certainly have. But I always felt that there was a time and a place for those emotions to be shared. My children did not create the marriage, or the divorce. They are just innocent bystanders who are most affected by the situation. The more I was able to see this clearly and remember the words of my friend, “it is all about the children now”, the easier it was to create the space to honor my children and leave my own emotions on the side lines. As I did this, times when we were all together were filled with laughter and memories that we could all share and enjoy in a pleasant environment. The impact that we had by allowing ourselves to be present in the company of one another, opened the door to immense growth for us as adults as well as a beautiful harmonious environment for our children to remember all of their lives.

I share this wisdom with anyone who is separating or divorcing. Remember, “it is all about the children now.” If we can keep these words in mind, we can shift our perspective and work to create what it is that they need and not allow our emotions to emerge like a volcano erupting.

Harmony and peace are everlasting. These memories are such treasures for our children. What types of memories do you want to leave your children with?

9 Ways to Co-Parent Like a Grown-Up

By Emma Bathie, Contributor | HUFFINGTON POST

Here are some key ways that have helped ease my pain and confusion on a path that I didn't think I'd be walking when my ex and I first thought about having children together. If you have also decided to separate and co-parent, I hope these will also bring you comfort on one of the hardest journeys we can take as a parent.

When someone decides to leave a relationship, there's a very real possibility they may never again see the person who was once the center of their universe. For some, that might be exactly as it should be.

But if you've been blessed to have children together and your once significant other is not unfit to share in their upbringing, and they want to, then you've still got a long road of "together" ahead.

1) Set the intention to have a compassionate and supportive co-parenting relationship. Believe it or not, the person that was once your "everything" does not have to suddenly become the enemy. In the end, it doesn't matter who decides they can't stay in a relationship -- make the decision that if you can't be great together, then you're going to commit to being the best co-parent you can be.

2) Remember the qualities that you admired about your ex as a parent, when you were both still feeling the bliss. Of course, there are going to be times when you both simply can't stand the sight of each other, but just because someone's no longer your partner doesn't mean they're not a great parent. Try to keep their best qualities at the forefront of your mind and remember that you're in this together.

3) Talk to your kids about your ex's great qualities. Put photos up of them with the kids. This doesn't need to be confusing -- it's possible to make it clear to even very young children that you believe your ex is a great Dad/Mom, you just weren't great together. It's also a beautiful and important reminder that your kids need both of you.

4) Try not to talk to all and sundry about a decision that you two, as parents, need to make. While speaking with others can help you sift through different ideas, in the case of looking after your own children and the next steps you both need to take as co-parents, in your own unique set of circumstances, it is your two opinions that count.

While new partners will naturally be confided in with any decision we make, I believe decisions that concern my children should be made with their needs, my needs and their father's being met first. New partners might just need to wear this and be reassured by their own partner that their time will come.

5) Don't dump your new partner's needs and feelings on your ex. As much as they matter to you, a new partner's needs are irrelevant to your ex. If you're having a hard time with a new partner having something to say about your co-parenting relationship, deal with it yourself. Don't dump that grief on the person you're trying to co-parent with.

Remember, your first priority is to work out how to best care for your kids. They need to come first. But don't forget, part of the beauty of co-parenting is that you do get time "off" which is when you can then focus on anyone else you please.

6) Think about how you can make your ex's life easier whilst still having your own needs and wants met. Just because you're no longer together doesn't mean that kindness and understanding won't go a long way to making everyone's life easier. When my ex and his new partner decided to move in together, because I didn't care where in the city I lived, I moved across town so that we could continue to be within an easy distance of each other and the kids' new school.

Do what you can for the other person and it will come back to you -- if in no other kind than peace of mind.

7) Appreciate the parenting skills you see working in your partner's new relationship, if there is one. We can all learn from someone else's experience.

8) Keep to previously agreed schedules and arrangements yet be open-minded and flexible enough to realize that plans will occasionally have to be changed. Be gracious and understanding and mindful of how you'd like to be treated.

9) Do the inner work that needs to be done to help you be the best co-parent you can be and prepare you for the next relationship you might want to have. Be that person you're looking for. Spend time alone. Immerse yourself in new things. Recharge your batteries for you, your kids and that new person who might already be looking for you.